start of school

i felt like blogging again today and then realized i couldn't even remember the address to this blog. haha. i have the memory span of a fly.

im supposed to be studying right now. i have a test tmr at 4pm based on 23 chapters of pharmacology and somehow i feel like i couldn't care less? ugh i hate the way i write. the test is worth 5%. so technically i can afford to flunk this. but you know, tomorrow IS the start of a new academic term. somehow i don't feel like i started this term on the right foot. i feel fat, pimply, distant from God, kinda lonely ( just sent aiwee off to the airport) and stupid.

anyway, today concludes my 3 week holiday with aiwee. staying with aiwee has made me learn how to be more generous and less calculative. i catch myself sometimes thinking really mean thoughts like "why is she always making me carry all the water bottles?" "if she uses the baby whiney voice one more time i think i will really lose it" but you know she never blamed me ONCE for all the hiccups that happened during the trip ( mis reading the time on our train ticket, being clueless about directions in paris, bringing her to all these food joints in london only to realize that they were closed over the christmas period). plus she always considers me and my interests, always factors in what i want to do in the itenarary. am i being calculative by listing out all her good and bad points so that i can make a weighted judgement of whether she is a good friend or not? i bought ruiling 5 macaroons and hand cream from paris. i think it was because she gave me that set of alice in wonderland plates and i felt that i owed her something. see? why can't i learn to be more giving? why can't i give someone something without having to always consider if there is any cause for doing so? i wanted to buy aiwee the locket of the eiffel tower from paris but i found myself thinking whether the gift was too extravagant and her gift to me probably wasn't worth as much so why should i be spending so much money?? sigh. am i a horrible person? am i calculative? i feel like i am only able to reciprocate, and am not able to initiate in my giving. this is terrible. shittttt should i study some more?

also i was just reading aiwee's blog. haha if i just scroll upwards and read, i would cringe at my writing. i write with a style that befits a 15 year old. shame on me for being so ineloquent even at 20. that is why i will never make this blog public. who on earth will be interested in my ramblings

i really enjoyed paris. but sometimes i felt that i couldn't really get into it because aiwee was more parisan than i was. she was able to connect better with the french because she could speak their language. and i remained the dumb outsider who depended on her for translations from the locals. truthfully, apart from the food, i felt rather numb to the landscape around me. true, the city itself was beautiful. in terms of buildings and architecture, london can't hold a candle to paris. but i felt like i'd seen everything before and the eiffel tower and arc de triomphe were just structures. okay okay look at me now, being all negative. i feel like i've lost my passion .

HELLO!

this is my first post ever

thought i would keep this online blog to record the way i write, think at 20. yep that's right. just celebrated my 20th birthday 2 days ago with... the most unlikely people. haha had the neighbours over for a christmas dinner ( went a little over board, there were 7 of us and i roasted chicken, parsnips with carrots, potatoes, cooked pasta, there was also smoked salmon, bread with humous, cheese...) anyway, back to my birthday. it was strange cos the people around me weren't even that close to me. let's see, there was shing (who's my housemate so she's pretty close to me) and aiwee ( who i only very recently got close to because she's here to visit me on holiday), and then these people who were just mere acquaintances! (neighbours, danni, michelle,) gosh do i sound very ungrateful? im really not! i was genuinely surprised when they trooped in with the cake and all. but i thought it was really funny that my birthday party consisted of people who weren't very close to me. sigh, makes me feel kinda unloved and sad and wow suddenly all these thoughts of self pity are coming to me.

ok, so why did i decide to start a blog? to start writing i guess. im really bored now. this is sort of a letter to my future self, to remind me of the way i sounded years back. in secondary school, i always fancied myself as a pretty eloquent person. was always reading all these really good books. but now i catch myself stuttering more than i used to, having difficulty expressing myself in front of a big group. am i being too conscious of myself when i speak? am i not reading/writing enough? haha am i too self absorbed? supposed to be studying for this stupid test but i spent the afternoon eating YES I MEAN EATING ( scones, cereal, chocolate, ice cream, fruit bars, popcorn, bread, biscuits GOOD LORD) and watching this new american comedic series' new girl'

im not going to lie and pretend to be the deep sort of profound sort of person that every 2o year old is supposed to be. as you can see, im no longer using fancy words. haha was just reading some of my old texts/emails/smses and boy did i sound pretentious! yup cos my problems are really stupid. like right now im really over fussing over my ACNE and my weight. doesn't help that i just went on a binge because ever since aiwee came i have put on close to 2kg. i swear im going to have to start dieting tmr!